Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
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