The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
