new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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