I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
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