How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
