I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
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