Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
