I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Holy shit dude........stairs
Randomize
