Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
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