Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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