You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
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