Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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