I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
