I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
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