And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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