new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
