This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
