Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
