I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
