good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
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