It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
