we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
