He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Randomize
