It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
She bit a glass in half.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Randomize
