Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
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