Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Randomize
