this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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