there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
