I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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