Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Let's paint friendship bongs
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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