im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
