when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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