I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
