I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
