Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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