did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
