I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
