I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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