Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
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