Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
