as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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