Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
