Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
