as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I just want to make out with him forever
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Randomize
