I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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