I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
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