Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
