Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
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