ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I queefed so loud it echoed.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Randomize
