WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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