youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
