i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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